Tumblr is being a bitch.
Then again, Tumblr is nothing compared to this jurassic-keyboard I am typing from this almost dodgy CC (cyber cafe, in case you're too cool for this shit).
Oh wait. Nothing is as bad as the state of my being right now.
Fuck it I'm going to act like the universe revolves around my happiness and I can act like my misery is the weight of a killer whale if I want to, so suck it.
Oh I'd love to tell you all is well and pretty stories but guess what, that would be a downright killer whale-sized LIE.
As much as I hate telling the world (which I am not sure is even the same one I previously reside and knew) that the island isn't all I had hoped for, I also hate being gung-ho about the whole thing and pretend everything is a-okay and sunshiny.
Prewarning - if you intend to tell me I am exaggerating, kindly do it your own private means or shoot yourself in the cock/cunt, whichever is relevant to you. On the other hand, anything that would ease my discomfort and disorientation is most welcome.
Truth is I can't and don't know how to tell you how EVERYTHING SUCKS but I shall try, with accordance to the chronology of events taking place. And excuse me if my English is a leeeeetle rusty, I haven't had the need to access that part of my brain in awhile.
1. Like was the case during our "tour" during the hols, my father and I were not seeing eye-to-eye at all. He doesn't speak to me much anymore. The decibles are set to yelling point. Which made me super upset, now feeling dumped in an island as opposed to happily brought here for my motherfucking internship I am motherfucking anxious to finish, get a job so I can get myself off his oh-so-burdened back and be financially dependent and everyone is fucking happy.
2. I would have complained that the living quarters the hotel provides that I was assigned to sucks ass, but as I have since moved to a better place, I shall refrain. Truth be told if this condo we're living in is situated in say.. Penang at least, I'd say jackpot. My room has a balcony! My former unit was NOT NICE. It was effing small and my roommate had something against air-conditioning. On the first day I had to take a piss and opening the toilet seat thing I was greeted by a swimming pile of shit. Did I mention NOT NICE? But yes, I have since moved to a better place with much sanitary (and better potty trained) housemates who does not bring home distasteful boys home. But boys all the same. Mom will not be pleased if she knows (I've taken to not tell her my torture to the nitty gritty detail, case her frail heart might not tolerate the shit I already have her putting up with).
3. Now that I have my previous internship experience with Sunway, I can safely say that hotel in terms of HR is the shiznit. I'm serious. If you're looking for a place to do your practicals, consider Sunway top of the list. Thankfully I have not revealed where I am currently so I can just say wow, for a deluxe 5 star resort, with the room rate starting at a mere RM1400 I am tres disappointed. On the plus side, the exec chef is cool (but Chef Claudio Cucchiarelli, the mafioso, will always be number one. Who else would make me an aglio e olio pasta like he did? Who else would call me randomly for Mac keyboard shortcuts? "Safinaz! Command+A eh? What is this, cap ayam eh.."). The sous chef is a friend of my uncle, but he doesn't know it yet. I'll tell him once I'm done with this place. And I am happy to say I have something happy to report that in trying times I have reaffirmed my place. I belong in the kitchen. While I was here being in the kitchen is the only thing that makes me happy.
4. Here's the dish everyone here is talking about, the significant event of why I am still here, and what possibly could be a contributor to my current grumpy and cranky state of being.
Since arriving here, me and the boys have been feeling uneasy. The boys referring to my classmates who I thank God for. I'm not going to go in details. Simply put, aside from worrying for my sanity, I also worry for my own safety and my possessions. I have since given up my Macbook to my uncle for safekeeping (now do you see why I'm cranky? Okay just kidding). I'd rather part with my life for a measly 18 weeks than losing it for good. I can't even bear the thought of it.
Anyways, the problem is, that's only the least of my worries. And I'm not the only one who's agitated by the circumstance we're in. Like I said, the boys are not too happy either. But mine are magnified tenthfold seeing that I'm a girl, I am more exposed to risks.
So another girl from our college who I got along well at first realize this risk, took off.
She fucking left the fucking hotel without fucking notifying anyone, not even me.
Imagine the questions I had to answer for her. The chefs was asking questions, the HR, the staff, the other trainees, GAH. I mean, she left after 2 days here! And the first day was mostly orientation! It was so unfair. It was unfair to me, to our lecturer, to the hotel and most of all, to the university. We carry the name of our university with us and in the history of the hotel, no trainee has ever took off like with no prior notification what-so-ever. Thanks weh.
I am shit pissed for several reasons, but one of the reasons for my unhappiness with this predicament is that I had lost that one girlfriend I actually liked. I have pretty much zero friends here aside form the boys but you know, being that they're boys and all, it's not the same so I am unhappy that the one friend I had is not here anymore. I didn't know her prior to this arrangement. She was a junior. Actually, I am not so shit pissed lah. Tapi tak best la dia buat macam ni. :(
In the world I formerly knew and miss, I am a trusting person. If in one of those rare occasions I make small talk and like someone, we'd be fast friends. Being here made me realize how trust is integral for my survival. I have been trusting and trusted upon. Do you know anyone you've never met who would pay for YOUR Moleskine upfront? Didn't think so. Trust is important to me, and being here where you have to be constantly on your guard, watching your back (and cellphones and wallet) is not a good place in your life to be in. I guess the world I lived in was pretty sweet, safe and trust was a currency still popularly exchanged. And I look forward to going back to that world.
I could go on and on complaining and go "woe is me" but takat ni cukup la kot. I can understand her not wanting to be here anymore, I thought of leaving too, respectfully of course. But at last I decided against it, for the sake of my lecturer/coordinator Miss Anida and the university. And for myself too, in a way. I decided to really tough it out.
As with the usual, I have amazing friends offering me kind words of good luck and support. My heart leaps for you. Thanks to each and every one who sent me texts on my cellphone from as far as Singapore :) I'm sorry for being MIA, I couldn't bring myself to say the above in 140 characters or less in a text message or pretend that I'm okay and carry on normal conversations.
I ask from you prayers and support and love for me through this, and hopefully I'll rise above the challenge and be able to say, "kiss my ass, bitchesss".
For now, let's hope you don't have to shoot your cock/cunt and turns out I am exaggerating, after all.
Monday, December 6
Tumblr is being a bitch.